Romance is ruined. Multiple case studies and statistics are showing that more and more women are interested in creative sex lives. However nothing ruins romance and seduction faster than the real or perceived notion of being unsafe.
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If we as a society are in this age trying to change the policies around sexual assault we are faced with an argument of verbal consent coming for every sexual act. Whether that involves kissing or oral sex, nevertheless the verbal agreement should happen each time even with a long term partner. If this seems unrealistic to you, should we at least insist on the same during random hookups? It is easy to say nothing will ruin a moment easier than a true feeling of being unsafe, and does talking verbal agreements in every moment actually make sense?
“I think men also need to be very clear about their intentions. And if I was a man in today’s world, before I was engaging in sexual behavior with any woman today, I would ask them to sign a consent form.” shared Donna Rotunno in her recent interview for The New York Times podcast The Daily talking to Journalist Megan Twohey. A recent trip to a correctional facility east of Buffalo for film producer Harvey Weinstein is the final chapter for Donna’s client. Rotunno is the infamous defence attorney whose stand on the #MeToo era is simply said head-turning. “I’m being dead serious. I’m being dead serious. Because how easy is it for two people to engage in behaviour and a day later, two days later, five days later, 27 years later, somebody say, you know what? That’s not what that was. Why not? Why not? Take all of the question out of it. Make it easier on everybody.” she continued in her conversation with Twohey justifying her advice of a need for a written consent. The journalist left dumbfounded by Rotunno’s view kept digging for an answer on Weinstein, leading to: “I believe the actions of women after the fact prove that they were consensual encounters” in the attorney’s response. Donna Rotunno’s client was found guilty facing well over twenty years behind bars. While the public response to the sentencing has been dramatic, yet amidst the international health crisis the at best uncomfortable stories behind the likes of Louis C.K., Charlie Rose and Kevin Spacey might wait for their final chapter a while longer.
“If we as a society are in this age trying to change the policies around sexual assault we are faced with an argument of verbal consent coming for every sexual act.”
The conversation with Rotunno and her views are shared with many, however can this disrespect of boundaries be solved with men asking for signed consent forms? Or is this only an advice for wealthy and powerful elite to escape any consequences? Finding one’s sexual power, often taken away in the past, can naturally lead us to redefining one’s true sexual needs and wants. Leading into a question of what direction can the fantasies in the bedroom lead to.
Multiple researchers and their work on sexual assault clearly show that the most threatening sexual experiences are the ones happening with strangers on one night stands. The studies show similar results whether the encounters begin at a bar after getting acquainted with a friend of a friend or by connecting in person with your right swipe. It is easy to conclude to stay safe we could simply avoid such impulsive moments. However completely removing these easy going undefined endless nights with our suitors who could form memorable nights and become friends or partners may actually be the defining moments of our lives. Pulling out Rotunno’s written consent would certainly spoil the night. Also there is the question of legalities, do we need to have our attorney on a speed dial at all times? Certainly this mindset brings us to the romance is ruined opener at the beginning of our story.
Today, a way to enjoy our sexually ever changing lives, while staying safe at the same time, may come through honest sexual communication. On our road to finding the feeling of a human connection, and feeling of being cared for we are also seeking for that feeling of being normal. Feeling of being a regular person deserving improbable love and being lucky enough to experience that together without any fear. This is part of the reason why these easily established connections make us feel empowered. The definition of seduction comes with it’s power of persuasion, yet allowing a person to easily push our boundaries after hearing ‘no’ in the hopes of delivering a ‘yes’ comes to threatening terms. Likely at this time of elevated awareness about the free will of each partner it is the question of defining a surrounding of genuine consent. This at the same time should allow us to feel wanted while not having to resolve the power dynamic of any relationship on a piece of paper.
“The definition of seduction comes with it’s power of persuasion, yet allowing a person to easily push our boundaries after hearing ‘no’ in the hopes of delivering a ‘yes’ comes to threatening terms.“
What to do when it came to a true disrespect of boundaries, even if at the end of the day you did enjoyed the experience? Many would say that is simply how the sex act flows. At times what we do not desire may become desired, thus it takes experimentation with our boundaries to enjoy our sexual life. However the same experience may be a great way to define the strength of verbal consent. A moment where we would wait for a verbal ‘yes‘ from our partner proceeding to a possible riskier act. No matter the moment, the definition of ‘no means no‘ allows women to keep the role of a gatekeeper. Unless the partner speaks up should silence mean ‘yes‘? Often the silence itself holds a deeper layer, it may come from fear or discomfort. This puts a massive burden on women to prevent anything that is already enfolding. This gives the less dominant partner the pressure to allow the party going so they would not destroy the moment or end up puritans. However, once you have removed your own boundaries it becomes increasingly difficult to keep the boundaries for someone else to adhere to.
When removed the fear surrounding today’s sexual act by many statistics shows that women are increasingly interested in creative sex lives. “We are beginning to own the fact women are indeed far more experimental species and men crave simplicity in their sexual conduct. For men that comes even with their desire for abundance of women.” shares with us London based therapist Esther Hoffmeyer.
“We are beginning to own the fact women are indeed far more experimental species and men crave simplicity in their sexual conduct”
It is important to remember true consent is understanding between the participants in a sexual act. Beyond what we have discussed above there are multiple ways to give consent. Quite a few of those way would not go the way Weinstein’s attorney would advice. While consent often won’t be verbal, trying to come to a verbal agreement to a change in sexual activity can aid both you and your partner in respecting each other’s limits. You or your sexual partner can always make a decision to change your mind. At any time you are allowed to decide that you don’t want to keep going, even if you are only at the beginning. If something like this happens both people need to stop.
Finally, in this complicated conversation knowing part of the way we are able to enjoy these ever changing sex lives is also by staying safe. We are once again coming back to a truly honest and open communication between partners. The same can be immensely hard, and it is even hard with strangers. However it is the safest way to make sure the desires of both partners are met. Simply we need to say what we want.
Words by Contributing Editor Juliette Picard
PHOTOGRAPHER KAREL LOSENICKY – @karel_losenicky
FASHION EDITOR EMILY LEE at W-MManagement Milan – @emilyleestyle
Makeup GIUSEPPE GIARRANTANA
Hair BARBARA BERTUZZI at Freelancer Artist Agency
Photographer Assistant ROBERTO GRANDI
Stylist Assistant FRANCESCA MINARDI
Models LEANNE DE HAAN at Fabbrica Management & MOLVIK at I Love Model
Post Production Digital Area Retouch
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